No matter how strong a couple may be, every relationship faces moments of miscommunication. Sometimes it feels like you’re speaking two different languages, and that can lead to frustration, resentment, and distance. The good news? Communication is a skill. And, like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time.
Below are five of the most common communication mistakes I see in my work with couples-and more importantly, how to fix them.
1. Assuming Your Partner Can Read Your Mind
The Issue:
You feel disappointed or upset but don’t speak up, hoping your partner will just “get it” You feel upset, frustrated, or disappointed-and you wait for your partner to notice. You assume they should just know how you feel or what you need.
Why it Hurts:
Even the most loving partner can’t read minds. This leads to unmet expectations and feeling of being unseen or unimportant.
The Fix:
Practice clear, respectful communication. Instead of waiting or hinting, say what you need. Use “I” statements like: “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans. I was really looking forward to spending that time with you.”
2. Letting Small Mistakes Build Up
The Mistake:
You brush off minor annoyances-until they become big problems. Then they explode in moments of anger or shutdown.
Why it Hurts:
Unspoken frustration doesn’t go away. It piles up and eventually shows up in your tone, body language, or outbursts.
The Fix:
Set aside regular time to check in. Weekly or bi-weekly “relationship check-ins” give you both space to share what’s working and what’s not, before frustrations build up.
3. The Need to be Right
The Mistake
The need to prove to your partner how right you are and how wrong he/she is the goal. Winning is the end goal. One person is already formulating their response while the other person is speaking. Being right becomes more important than the happiness that an empathetic, loving relationship can bright.
Why it Hurts
This type of listening shuts down connections. Your partner won’t feel heard or understood, which is at the core of true intimacy.
The Fix;
Practice reflective listening. This means really listening, then summarizing what you heard:
“What I hear you saying is that you felt left out when I made plans without checking in. Is that right?”
It shows your partner that you’re trying to understand how they are really feeling.
4. Using Absolutes Like “You Always” or “You Never”
The Mistake:
When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things like “you never help with the kids” or “you always forget important things”
Why it Hurts:
These sweeping statements trigger defensiveness and rarely reflect the full truth. They make your partner feel attached
The Fix:
Be specific instead of being accusatory, describe the behavior and how it made you feel:
“When I had to handle bedtime by myself last night, I felt overwhelmed and alone.”
This shifts the focus to the issue-not your partner’s character.
5. Avoiding Vulnerability
The Mistake:
You keep things surface-level to avoid conflict, or you hide your deeper feelings because you’re afraid of being not understood or criticized.
The Fix:
Practice vulnerability in small ways. Start with:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected latterly, and it’s been hard for me to talk about”
Your openness can create space for your partner to be vulnerable too. This is where true healing and connection begins.
Experience
I have been practicing as a licensed individual counselor and marriage and family therapist at the Gwinnett Center for Individual and Marital Counseling for 35 years. As a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and licensed in Georgia, I continually strive to improve client care, and am cognizant of the impact a therapist can make on their clients. It is an honor to work with individuals on such a personal level and I take that responsibility seriously. Having been married for over 35 years, I am aware of the satisfaction and joy a loving relationship can provide. Sharing our children’s lives has also been so rewarding!
