Do You Experience Loneliness?

Feeling a sense of loneliness is pervasive in our society. Even when surrounded by others, we can experience the feeling that we’re alone in the world. It may include a lack of companionship, being left out, not in tune with the people around you and a lack of close friends and family. Mother Theresa once stated that ‘the greatest disease in the West today is not tuberculosis or leprosy but being unwanted and unloved.” Furthermore there is a higher risk of physiologic changes correlated with loneliness such as Alzheimer’s and heart disease. It may increase the production of stress hormones, hinder sleep and weaken immunity. Loneliness can affect all ages but is more common in adolescents, toxic marriages, familial relationships and the elderly. Most people crave close family experiences but unfortunately many visits end up chaotic and toxic. We leave the experience feeling angry, hurt and alone. The emotional pain can last for days.

With the advent of the covid pandemic, most of us were isolated in our homes and became lonely and depressed. Some couples relationships improved as they were together more often and their communication and bond increased. But all too often the issues that were buried before surfaced and exacerbated. Covid has produced an epidemic in depression and it still exists today. We have become numb to our feelings and are more fearful of trying to reach  out to others. Furthermore, loneliness is stigmatized in our society. Some may fear others will view you as weak or a loser. This is so inaccurate and unfortunate and may enable us to deny our feelings and feel depressed and seek further isolation.

Social media may come to mind as a remedy but many studies have shown that online networks offer an illusion of connectedness, but actually make us feel lonelier and more isolated. What we need to do is look outside our computers and handheld devices and connect or reconnect with others. In person contact is preferable to online contact because we all require physical touch in order to feel comfort and connected. Owning a pet can be helpful in ameliorating your loneliness but going to a dog park is a great way to meet new people. Joining an in person group is helpful such as a book club, religious, educational or psychotherapy group. Don’t allow yourself to feel abnormal wanting to connect. Is is human nature to belong and feel seen. Do it even if you feel self-conscious and afraid.

Psychotherapy is so helpful in allowing you to express feelings without judgement. In my experience, after practicing over 35 years, my clients feel so much relief when they can talk freely in a safe space to help them understand why they feel a certain way and get to the root of their issues. I help couples to find better ways to communicate.

Why Do We Argue So Much?

A common reason couples seek counseling is that when they try to discuss certain subjects, it leads to an argument. So why do we argue so much? What ensues is mutual hurt, anger and frustration. Over time the relationship feels distant. If arguing persists for a period of time, passion, trust, love and commitment can deteriorate! An experienced marriage and family therapist can intervene and explore the underlying reasons for the discord. Arguments may only be a symptom of problems in the relationship. It’s similar to peeling back the layers of an onion to discover the causes of the hurt, frustration and anger.

Here are 4 things to be more mindful of that can help begin the repair process in your relationship:

The Need to Be Right

The need to prove to your partner how right you are and wrong he or she is: The goal is to win, rather than to understand the other person. One person is already formulating their response while the other person is speaking. Being right becomes more important than the happiness and of an empathic, loving relationship.

How You Communicate

The style of communication: Sarcasm, belittling, contempt, or shutting down (stonewalling) has become too frequent. Phrases such as “you always,” “you’re just,” or profane language has replaced love and understanding. One’s tone of voice can express negative thoughts as well. Criticizing character or worth leads to an erosion of the relationship.

Lack of Communication

Expecting your partner to always know what you’re feeling and needing: Frequently, people feel that the other person should be telepathic and that they shouldn’t have to express their needs . They feel wounded and angry and tend to act out or withdraw. Since we are not always mind readers, communicating our feelings and need in a loving way is important. Of course they are many situations where one does try to communicate and their partner ignores them, or tells them they shouldn’t feel a certain way. They lecture the other person by saying how mistaken they are and how their own ideas, solutions, and feelings are the valid ones

Mismatching Styles of Communication

The way your family of origin communicates. How you saw your parents communicate deeply affects how we relate to each other. They are our role models and teach us how to resolve conflict and love one another.

Experience

I have been practicing as a licensed individual counselor and marriage and family therapist at the Gwinnett Center for Individual and Marital Counseling for 35 years. As a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and licensed in Georgia, I continually strive to improve client care, and am cognizant of the impact a therapist can make on their clients. It is an honor to work with individuals on such a personal level and I take that responsibility seriously. Having been married for over 35 years, I am aware of the satisfaction and joy a loving relationship can provide. Sharing our children’s lives has also been so rewarding!

How to Select a Couples Counselor

Selecting a couples or marriage counselor can be overwhelming, especially when you already feel anxious, stressed out or depressed. Here are some guidelines on how to select a couples counselor to help you make that choice. A therapist should have:

A Licenseaamftcommunityogo

A license in the state of Georgia as a marriage and family therapist. When you select a couples counselor, it is also important that they are a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), whose members must meet rigorous training and continuous educational requirements. They are required to abide by the AAMFT code of ethics, the most stringent ethical code in the profession.

Advanced Educationadvancededucation

An advanced level of education and experience which is often correlated with sharper insights and problem solving techniques. A better trained therapist can observe patterns of communication; understand the origin of their individual and dual issues while providing ongoing in-depth feedback and alternative ways of expressing their ideas and feelings.

Compassion 

Compassion and caring combined with impartiality. A therapist must be open-minded to a client’s culture, values, religious belief, and sexual preference.

Optimismoptimistic

An optimistic view of the process. I believe therapy works! Frequently, couples begin counseling wanting to prove how right they are and how wrong their partner is. They are hurt or angry, rarely open to their partner’s feelings or viewpoints. Counseling provides a safe space to learn how to put hurt feelings and defensiveness aside and actually hear and empathize with their partner.

Experienceexperience

I have been practicing as a licensed individual counselor and marriage and family therapist in the Atlanta area for over 35 years. As a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and licensed in Georgia, I continually strive to improve client care, and am cognizant of the impact a therapist can make on their clients. It is an honor to work with individuals on such a personal level and I take that responsibility seriously. Having been married for over 35 years, I am aware of the satisfaction and joy a loving relationship can provide. Sharing our children’s lives has also been so rewarding!