Category: Blog

Do You Experience Loneliness?

Feeling a sense of loneliness is pervasive in our society. Even when surrounded by others, we can experience the feeling that we’re alone in the world. It may include a lack of companionship, being left out, not in tune with the people around you and a lack of close friends and family. Mother Theresa once stated that ‘the greatest disease in the West today is not tuberculosis or leprosy but being unwanted and unloved.” Furthermore there is a higher risk of physiologic changes correlated with loneliness such as Alzheimer’s and heart disease. It may increase the production of stress hormones, hinder sleep and weaken immunity. Loneliness can affect all ages but is more common in adolescents, toxic marriages, familial relationships and the elderly. Most people crave close family experiences but unfortunately many visits end up chaotic and toxic. We leave the experience feeling angry, hurt and alone. The emotional pain can last for days.

With the advent of the covid pandemic, most of us were isolated in our homes and became lonely and depressed. Some couples relationships improved as they were together more often and their communication and bond increased. But all too often the issues that were buried before surfaced and exacerbated. Covid has produced an epidemic in depression and it still exists today. We have become numb to our feelings and are more fearful of trying to reach  out to others. Furthermore, loneliness is stigmatized in our society. Some may fear others will view you as weak or a loser. This is so inaccurate and unfortunate and may enable us to deny our feelings and feel depressed and seek further isolation.

Social media may come to mind as a remedy but many studies have shown that online networks offer an illusion of connectedness, but actually make us feel lonelier and more isolated. What we need to do is look outside our computers and handheld devices and connect or reconnect with others. In person contact is preferable to online contact because we all require physical touch in order to feel comfort and connected. Owning a pet can be helpful in ameliorating your loneliness but going to a dog park is a great way to meet new people. Joining an in person group is helpful such as a book club, religious, educational or psychotherapy group. Don’t allow yourself to feel abnormal wanting to connect. Is is human nature to belong and feel seen. Do it even if you feel self-conscious and afraid.

Psychotherapy is so helpful in allowing you to express feelings without judgement. In my experience, after practicing over 35 years, my clients feel so much relief when they can talk freely in a safe space to help them understand why they feel a certain way and get to the root of their issues. I help couples to find better ways to communicate.

“Dr. Susan Carlin is an outstanding therapist. Her insight, analysis, and ability to provide guidance and understanding are exceptional.” – Carl

5 of the Most Common Communication Mistakes

No matter how strong a couple may be, every relationship faces moments of miscommunication. Sometimes it feels like you’re speaking two different languages, and that can lead to frustration, resentment, and distance. The good news? Communication is a skill. And, like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time.

Below are five of the most common communication mistakes I see in my work with couples-and more importantly, how to fix them.

1. Assuming Your Partner Can Read Your Mind

The Issue:

You feel disappointed or upset but don’t speak up, hoping your partner will   just “get it” You feel upset, frustrated, or disappointed-and you wait for your partner to notice. You assume they should just know how you feel or what you need.

Why it Hurts:

Even the most loving partner can’t read minds. This leads to unmet expectations and feeling of being unseen or unimportant.

The Fix:

Practice clear, respectful communication.  Instead of waiting or hinting, say what you need. Use “I” statements like: “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans. I was really looking forward to spending that time with you.”

2. Letting Small Mistakes Build Up

The Mistake:

You brush off minor annoyances-until they become big problems. Then they explode in moments of anger or shutdown.

Why it Hurts:

Unspoken frustration doesn’t go away.  It piles up and eventually shows up in your tone, body language, or outbursts.

The Fix:

Set aside regular time to check in.  Weekly or bi-weekly “relationship check-ins” give you both space to share what’s working and what’s not, before frustrations build up.

3. The Need to be Right

The Mistake

The need to prove to your partner how right you are and how wrong he/she is the goal.  Winning is the end goal.  One person is already formulating their response while the other person is speaking.  Being right becomes more important than the happiness that an empathetic, loving relationship can bright.

Why it Hurts

This type of listening shuts down connections. Your partner won’t feel heard or understood, which is at the core of true intimacy.

The Fix;

Practice reflective listening.   This means really listening, then summarizing what you heard:

“What I hear you saying is that you felt left out when I made plans without checking in. Is that right?”

It shows your partner that you’re trying to understand how they are really feeling.

4. Using Absolutes Like “You Always” or “You Never”

The Mistake:

When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things like “you never help with the kids” or “you always forget important things”

Why it Hurts:

These sweeping statements trigger defensiveness and rarely reflect the full truth.  They make your partner feel attached

The Fix:

Be specific instead of being accusatory, describe the behavior and how it made you feel:

“When I had to handle bedtime by myself last night, I felt overwhelmed and alone.”

This shifts the focus to the issue-not your partner’s character.

5. Avoiding Vulnerability

The Mistake:

You keep things surface-level to avoid conflict, or you hide your deeper feelings because you’re afraid of being not understood or criticized.

The Fix:

Practice vulnerability in small ways. Start with:

“I’ve been feeling disconnected latterly, and it’s been hard for me to talk about”

Your openness can create space for your partner to be vulnerable too.  This is where true healing and connection begins.

Experience

I have been practicing as a licensed individual counselor and marriage and family therapist at the Gwinnett Center for Individual and Marital Counseling for 35 years. As a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and licensed in Georgia, I continually strive to improve client care, and am cognizant of the impact a therapist can make on their clients. It is an honor to work with individuals on such a personal level and I take that responsibility seriously. Having been married for over 35 years, I am aware of the satisfaction and joy a loving relationship can provide. Sharing our children’s lives has also been so rewarding!

How to Select a Couples Counselor

Selecting a couples or marriage counselor can be overwhelming, especially when you already feel anxious, stressed out or depressed. Here are some guidelines on how to select a couples counselor to help you make that choice. A therapist should have:

A Licenseaamftcommunityogo

A license in the state of Georgia as a marriage and family therapist. When you select a couples counselor, it is also important that they are a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), whose members must meet rigorous training and continuous educational requirements. They are required to abide by the AAMFT code of ethics, the most stringent ethical code in the profession.

Advanced Educationadvancededucation

An advanced level of education and experience which is often correlated with sharper insights and problem solving techniques. A better trained therapist can observe patterns of communication; understand the origin of their individual and dual issues while providing ongoing in-depth feedback and alternative ways of expressing their ideas and feelings.

Compassion 

Compassion and caring combined with impartiality. A therapist must be open-minded to a client’s culture, values, religious belief, and sexual preference.

Optimismoptimistic

An optimistic view of the process. I believe therapy works! Frequently, couples begin counseling wanting to prove how right they are and how wrong their partner is. They are hurt or angry, rarely open to their partner’s feelings or viewpoints. Counseling provides a safe space to learn how to put hurt feelings and defensiveness aside and actually hear and empathize with their partner.

Experienceexperience

I have been practicing as a licensed individual counselor and marriage and family therapist in the Atlanta area for over 35 years. As a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and licensed in Georgia, I continually strive to improve client care, and am cognizant of the impact a therapist can make on their clients. It is an honor to work with individuals on such a personal level and I take that responsibility seriously. Having been married for over 35 years, I am aware of the satisfaction and joy a loving relationship can provide. Sharing our children’s lives has also been so rewarding!